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december 13th, 2007
4:41 am

in my heart:in my ear: exhausted

You heard me.

Also, I haven't read any of your journals in months. If this is a problem, please head on over to my new journal, rampala (the profile and style and the like are still under major construction, but I'm posting there now), and let me know. It's a friends only journal (I've become paranoid about prospective employers) and folks who are friended and that journal are folks whose journals I'll actually be reading.


Fare-thee-well, rampala_quistis
(I'm not deleting the journal, but I will be making all the entries friends only, eventually.)

Also, Happy Birthday to me. :)

4 breaths taken|breathe me?

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.:Potter Puppet Pals:.
december 7th, 2007
1:12 am

in my heart:in my ear: cheerful

Why in God's name is Neville a SQUASH?!

I found this one to be disappointing. :/ And long...

1 breath taken|breathe me?

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.:The way things were?:.
november 5th, 2007
12:10 am

in my heart:in my ear: high

Okay, so, I was rummaging through some REALLY old files and folders on my computer-- one I haven't looked since freshmen year and I found THESE:
How Bizarre!Collapse )
So very, very weird.

I don't even know where I got those from, only that they were in the folder where stuff went when people sent me stuff over AIM. Who sent me these? And why? I don't recall...

7 breaths taken|breathe me?

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.:What the duck...:.
september 14th, 2007
2:46 pm

in my heart:in my ear: high

You know what? It makes me sad that I barely use this journal anyone more. Does it make anyone else sad, or is it just me.

Just curious.

Mmm. I need to finish making my new LJ theme. This, BLUECYANAMANDAPALMERBREATHMESIA style needs a break.

What the fuck have you all been up to?

2 breaths taken|breathe me?

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august 19th, 2007
11:32 pm

in my heart:in my ear: curious


Next term I was thinking of screening the entirety of Scrapped Princess (which is an amazing anime I highly recommend to anyone, especially Final Fantasy fans-- it's short too, only 24 episodes), but I think I have a better idea.

What if I screen our generation's version of classic television?

Examples of shows I would include are:
Darkwing Duck
Pinky and the Brain
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the Original, of course)
Invader Zim
The Adventures of Pete and Pete
Clarissa Explains it All
Rocko's Modern Life
Inspector Gadget
Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers

I wouldn't be screening whole series; I'd pick a few episodes (probably 3, maybe 4) for a weekly screening and change the series each week.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Likelihood of anyone attending if I do this? Requests for spaces (Kinoteca, Tishman, Student Center)? Days and times that are best for everyone?

17 breaths taken|breathe me?

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.:To Blog, or Not to Blog?:.
july 30th, 2007
3:42 pm

in my heart:in my ear: thoughtful

Looking for some advice, ladies, gents and queers.

Earlier this summer I started poking around the internet for some freelance writing jobs. (I'm broke, money is good, I've been published before... why not give it a shot, right?) Lo and behold, I found out that one can (potentially, thought it's not common) make very good money from blogging. Who knew? I was a bit surprised, but did some research and one can, in fact, power blog for a living. I don't think I'm looking to make blogging my life long ambition by any means, but the thought of blogging as freelance work certainly interested me.

So I applied to this one company that was looking for bloggers, 451 Press, to write for their "The Fray" (i.e. the music group) blog. I didn't really expect to hear back from them, but I did. They're offering me said The Fray blog. Wow.

Here's the deal: I sign a year contract and I'm expected to make posts 5 days a week (Monday - Friday). In return, I get 40% of the advertising revenue. Mostly, I just write. They take care of everything else, advertising included.

Doesn't sound like a bad deal, but I'm always interested in feedback. Thoughts?

18 breaths taken|breathe me?

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.:A Thought:.
july 13th, 2007
12:36 am

in my heart:in my ear: sleepy

So... I'm seriously considering getting rid of my Livejournal. Thoughts, objections?

11 breaths taken|breathe me?

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july 9th, 2007
10:20 pm

in my heart:in my ear: hot

So! I'm in Tucson!


It's hot! (No, really.)

There's a lot to say, actually, but I'm rather tired at the moment. Just thought I'd let you all know I'm not dead. If anyone needs to reach me I check my e-mail now and again and I have my cell phone with me much of the time.

Soon to come: Escapades from the first days in Tucson and even, oh yes, pictures from our desert camping trip.

breathe me?

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.:On the varietys of Fandom.:.
july 3rd, 2007
12:06 am

in my heart:in my ear: thoughtful

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel like blogging. (I.e., I'm opening up a discuss. Comments welcomed with a red carpet!)

I'm come to realize, through being a college student at this point in time, that the advancement of technology has created a different type of fan. I'm speaking specifically in regards to television shows (animes includes) and their fans.

Technological advancement has given us the internet and DVDs. Unlike movies, until recently television shows weren't readily available for the public to own. By the time VHS was popular, I imagine it was just too much trouble to create television seasons that might that 6 or 8 VHS tapes a season to make available. It was expensive and few people would find it practical to purchase such things. But DVDs... they're cheaper to make, smaller and lighter to carry, and an entire season can fit on 3 discs that fit nicely into a small box. The internet, with the aid of DVDs, can now support video files and we can send each other entire episodes for download or upload them (all illegally, of course) for live streaming video feeds. Both methods have made television shows readily for the technologically savvy to own the entire series, over many years, of a television show.

How is this creating different fans? Well, a significantly larger amount of time is invested from a fan who watches a television show on the air versus one that buys a box set or downloads the series online. For one, most of us are giving up 12 or so minutes an hour to watch commericals when we watch our shows (unless you tape them or have TiVO and the like). But, barring subjection to commericals, the time invested in watching a show on the air versus in a box set is the same in hours. The difference is that when you own a box set, you can watch episodes back to back. One can watch an entire season in a few days, a show in a month or two. If one watches a show while it's on the air, there's usually a week in between episodes in which a viewer has time to think about an episode (sometimes impatiently waiting for the next) and discuss it with over viewers, etc. In this way, investing 7 years of one's life into a show is different from investing a month.

I'm going to seperate this two groups of fans from now on with the following terms: Marathon Fans and Long-Term Fans. It's my belief that the difference then is that Long-Term Fans develop a greater sense of investment with a show than Marathon Fans do. This is not to say that Marathon Fans are any less "fanatic" about a show, in fact that must be more so in order to marathon a show so quickly.

Besides watching a show very quickly, a Marathon Fan can also be defined by their contract with the show. If I show is off the air, someone who purchases a show knows exactly how many episodes and seasons the show lasted. They also have access to show titles (something that is not usually well-represented in American shows) and, in the case of DVD owners, special features and commentary. When one purchases the DVDs of a series, they are given a sort of contract of expectation that a Long-Term Fan does not have access to when they view the show as it airs.

I do not mean to imply that one type of fan is a better or more fanatic fan, only that these two types of fans develop very different relationships with the characters in these shows, and the shows themselves.

Let us take, for example, myself versus a few of my college friends as fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I have two friends who have become fans of Buffy since it's gone off the air. While we all love the show very much, I have a hard time talking to them about the show. Mostly, this is because it's been years since I've seen the show and have, consequently, forgotten many of the details. But there are parts of the show we feel very differently about. Specifically, I know I think of seasons 6 and 7 and sort of "additions" to the show and not as legitimate as the first 5 seasons. In this particular instance, Buffy had some unusual circumstances. After season 5, Buffy was to be moving TV stations and it was unclear at points whether the show would continue. Obviously the creator, Joss Wedon (who I love immensely), also wasn't sure what the fate of the show would be as he wrote the season finale of season 5 to also serve as a series finale if need be. Fans who watched the show while it was on thought, at the time, of the end of season 5 as the end of the series. Then, suddenly, the show was to continue-- how are we supposed to dig ourselves out of this massive plot hole?

They managed. And while I think seasons 6 and 7 were very well written (and contained the musical episode, hip hip hooray!), they couldn't help but feel a little hokey to me since the show had, essensially, ended already. Yet, for my friends who were able to watch the show recently, they knew their were 7 seasons and hence, don't have the same dilemma I have with the show. Such is an example of how we build different relationships with characters and even a storyline when we watch a show quickly versus watching it over a period of time.


breathe me?

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.:Fill me in, Folks:.
june 20th, 2007
11:59 pm

in my heart:in my ear: tired

Maine was... interesting. More on that later, most likely with accompaning pictures.

None of our cell phones worked, and I had no access to a computer or any sort of outside world communication, really. It was nice in its own way, I usually welcome the opportunity to escape technology, but I wasn't expecting it and I had about 10,000 messages when we got back into signal range.

Anyhow... what'd I miss?

3 breaths taken|breathe me?

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.:Summer: Part 1 of... Many. Or Maine, or... something.:.
june 16th, 2007
11:24 am

in my heart:in my ear: ngh... stupid intestines...

Alright Ladies and Gents. I am off to Maine to visit with the family. (None of us actually live in Maine, but Aunt Jeanne and Fred have a house up there, so Aunt Cindy and family went up to visit and the rest of us are following.)

Anyhow. I'm a little skeptical, for whatever reason. Maine isn't my favorite place, or at least Fred's house isn't. But, I love the outdoors and I'm actually going to see my family. So, I'm sure it'll be great!

We return Wednesday (probably late), so until then I am internetless, etc. You can reach me by cell phone if need be (631-294-6307), or else I'll be sure to answer your e-mail when I get back.

I think that's all for now. I hope you're all doing well!

Natalie Rose

5 breaths taken|breathe me?

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.:Homosexuality and Hope...?:.
june 5th, 2007
2:16 pm

in my heart:in my ear: cynical

Some thoughts...

Today, while idly flipping through the channels on television, I happened on a program on the public access channel called "Homosexuality and Hope." I began watching it with the curiosity of whether it was pro- or anti-homosexuality.

The program asks the question, "Is homosexuality innate, or is it caused by environmental favors?" Ah, the old question of nature versus nurture.

They present a few psychologists, one of whom starts quoting from the American Psychological Association (APA)'s book. The book asserts that research does not support a biological cause for homosexuality, but doesn't postulate another. In other words, "We don't know!"

...Here's my problem: Why isn't anyone asking what causes heterosexuality? I would think the same source would be the cause of homosexuality as well. But no one's looking for the "cause" of heterosexuality. Why not? Because we live in a heterosexist society that assumes heterosexuality is the norm.

The beauty of this program is that it's clearly trying to appear neutral; it does not directly say that homosexuality is abnormal or a mental disorder, in fact it even appears to be investigating the situation by interviewing professionals and laypeople alike. But no one is approaching the issue from an unbias point of view, everyone is approaching it as either a heterosexist or the few folks they're talking with who were gay, but then "discovered their heterosexuality."

This would be the type of brainwashing we need to be especially cautious of.

3 breaths taken|breathe me?

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may 28th, 2007
5:10 pm

in my heart:in my ear: AH HA!!!

Eureka! Or, as Sarah would say, "'I see,' said the blind man as he fell into the ocean."

After class today I was having a conversation with Vanessa and she was inquiring as to my performance lately. I missed two classes this term (last term I missed none) and only called in one of them and have been late handing in some of my assignments.

I said to her that I think if someone isn't doing their work, there's a good reason. Always. After all, humans are naturally inquistive creatures. If they're refusing education, there's a good reason. I resent calling anyone a "slacker."

She said to me that for a girl who carries 25 pens around with her, I don't seem like the type of person who would just run out of time-- I make time.

Usually, I do. So I went through this whole metaphor about running down a path and hitting your head on a low-hanging branch. Usually, you hit your head, maybe moan and groan a little, but can keep running. But, every once in a while, you hit that branch too hard and there's blood everywhere and you are suddenly forced to take stock of your situation, stop and handle it before continuing onward.

And my head is bleeding out all over the place and I am having a damn hard time stopping it, but, I'm cleaning up little by little.

So, I came back around and Vanessa says to me, "So you had something more important to do?"

Deer in headlights.

I froze.

Every student's nightmare, right? Every professor I have ever had has expected me to make their class my first (and if possible, only) priority. And here I was, sitting face to face with the professor I adore the most, about to tell her that, yes, I had something going on that was and is more important than her class. Is there anything I could say that wouldn't rip open the cosmos?


...but... not that this class isn't important!"

Vanessa looks at me, smiles, "Natalie, it's okay."

It's okay?! What do you mean it's okay?! No! No it's not! I'm saying something is more important than school! Aren't you going to beat me with a yard stick?!

I tell her my above thought, about professors always expecting their class to be the first priority and that I shouldn't be saying I have something going on that's more important. She said she knows there are more important things than school.

I said I do too (but I only half believe myself), and say that makes two of us.

But suddenly...

It all made sense.

The fundamental problem with our educational system? We are taught, from day one, that our education is now, should be, and will always be our number one priority. This belief penetrates all levels of education, up through Ph.D level schooling. Each professor always expects his or her class to be each individual student's highest priority-- despite that fact that each student has other classes, never mind a life outside of schooling.

From outside our culture, I imagine it would seem very backwards to sacrafice sleep, nutrition, health, hygiene, social interaction, and general time to think, breathe and be for the sake of reading a book, writing a paper and recieving a letter grade. This is, in fact, psychotic and carefully constructed (as opposed to instinctual) behavior. But, it's something we readily accept.

No wonder we have teacher pleasers, "slackers," problem kids, behavioral problems, over achievers, etc. etc.

So why prioritize education so heavily? Knowledge is very valuable. No matter what is stripped from you, no one can take your mind, make you unlearn what you have learned, make you unexperience the things you have experienced. But economic class plays a huge role. For the lower classes, the only possibility to overcome one's oppressors is to become as or more knowledgable than them. And, as lower class citizens, we are told that we cannot go to college, cannot get that higher education unless we get someone else to pay for it-- i.e., a scholarship, a grant, or a loan. And for those things to be offered to us we need to work very, very hard. And to stay in college, to keep learning, we need to work even harder.

But look at the students in collage who's parents are paying for everything versus the students who are paying for it themselves. See who prioritizes their education higher. And those of us who don't have the money will call those others spoiled, will scowl at them occassionally, and envy them. They already have access to a higher class, they have the money to outright pay for their education, so they can take the time to learn in the context of their lives, not have to organize their entire lives around the opportunity to learn.

So whose experience is better? Neither-- there is no better in this situation. One of those students may walk out with more experience, even having "learned more." But, the other student will have integrated learning into his or her life and actually, potentially, have a well-balanced list of priorities. I would argue that a student who's education is paid for for them is much more likely to have a healthier educational experience than someone who cannot pay for college. The only answer, then, seems that we can only ever get a proper, balanced education when money and education are not linked together.

Then maybe we'll be able to afford to get our priorities in order.

10 breaths taken|breathe me?

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may 22nd, 2007
7:25 pm

in my heart:in my ear: panic now, yes?!

Trying not to FREAK OUT, la la la la la!

11 breaths taken|breathe me?

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.:Real Life Update:.
may 20th, 2007
1:29 pm

in my heart:in my ear: working

Seems a while since I did one o' these.

So, what's going on?

I'm sick, at the moment, and coughing up the most delightful* green chunks. (*If by delightful I mean, "Ewwwww..."). Anyhow. Still have... ALL my final projects to do. Only one of them is really stressing me out, in part because it's due sooner and in part because it's HUGE and I've already gotten an extention on it. It's a great project though, and I'm sure I'll be happy to talk about it when it's all done and put to rest...

People [Friends] are mostly talking again, which pleases me. Though, there are still things that need to be dealt with, I feel like I'm in the right place with the right people.

Sorry for the ambiguity there... life is oh-so-complicated sometimes, eh?

Anyhow, practically speaking, I'm staying on campus for graduation so I'll be here until June 2nd, after which I'll be back on Long Island.

SO, Long Islanders: I will be on Long Island from June 2nd to July 4th (with a brief trip to Maine with teh family somewhere in the end of June). My dear friend Sarah will be visiting until June 15th, and I think you all should meet her. ^_^ So e-mail me or give me dah rings on the dah phones and we vill be vith dah talkingnk.

...Wow, I didn't know I could decend into de Russian accent through type. Neat...?

Anyhow! On July 4th, I am flying out to Tuscon, Arizona where I will be until August 15th (when I come back to Long Island until school starts, usually just after Labor Day). In Arizona I will be taking some classes at Pima Community College and living with the aforementioned Sarah (and her many, many cats). I am excited! I've never been to Arizona... pray I don't melt. Apparently it's hotter than blazes-- and during monsoon season, so none of that "dry heat" bullshit.

So. That seems to be the way of things.

In academic news, after this term I've pretty much decided not to apply to Bennington's MAT program and look elsewhere. If anyone has any recommendations (I'm looking for someplace that could acredit me in music and/or reading/literacy specialist), please toss them my way. Time is a'tickin. As such is the case, my entire last year at Bennington is significantly freer...

Right now next term's schedule looks like this:

SHH! The Social Construction of Silence (4 Credits)
M, TH 2pm - 3:50pm

Teaching and Learning (4 Credits)
M, TH 4pm - 5:50pm

Music since 1968 (4 Credits)
M, TH 10:10am - 12noon

Intermediate Voice (2 Credits)
T 10:10am - 12noon

You'll notice that's only 14 credits. What's missing:
Piano (2 Credits)
Senior Thesis (2 Credits)

Kanako isn't sure if she can keep me on as a student next term, and if she can't I shall be most heartbroken... and I'll have to find a new piano teacher. We'll see. As for the thesis, Kitty (my advisor) thinks I should spread it out 4 credits over my senior year, so now I just have to find my thesis advisor. I'm going to talk to Allen about it next week. He seems to know rather little about what he'd need to do, but, I think he'd be an excellent sounding board, which is the best I could ask for considering there is no faculty member who's actually qualified to oversee this project.

Anyhow... Tom is putting up the opera, Dido and Aeneas next term, and I would really love to audition. Not to sound snotty, but I know I'd get in. I've worked with Tom enough to know that he would, at the very least, want me for the chorus (which plays a rather large role in the opera, go figure). As for a larger role, I have no idea. But, I can dream, right? The problem is, rehersals conflict with Teaching and Learning. But... since I'm no longer applying to the MAT here... it's not a requirement. So... I know Sarah is going to be practicing all summer (she's eyeing one of the lead roles; I think she has an excellent shot of getting one too), so I can just practice with her.

I'm also currently taking recommendations for summer reading, though I should warn that the list is quite long already. Still, reading is sexy, so please recommend!

Alright, I think that's enough for now. I hope you all are doing well! I shake my fist at you lucky bastards who are all done!

7 breaths taken|breathe me?

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.:Mom's Day:.
may 13th, 2007
4:52 pm

in my heart:in my ear: touched

Happy Mother's Day all...

Check out this article in the Philadelphia Inquirer that was written about my grandmother (Georgia) and my aunt (Diana):

Grieving the death of a mother | Inquirer | 05/13/2007

2 breaths taken|breathe me?

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may 9th, 2007
6:01 pm

in my heart:in my ear: bored

I was boreeeeed...

Which is ludrious because I have 100,000 things to do! >_<

So... take my quiz, punk!

Testriffic Quiz Your Friends
Create your own Friend Quiz here

2 breaths taken|breathe me?

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may 9th, 2007
10:00 am

in my heart:in my ear: amused

So, just a reminder for all y'alls-- Adolscence of Utena (RGU the Movie) tonight at 9pm in Tishman!

Max and I had the most awesome exchange...

Me: So, Max are you coming to Utena tonight? Movie time!
Max: You know Natalie, I'm going to be real honest with you. I'm not coming unless you can guarentee me that Utena and Anthy make out.
Me: ...they have sex.
Me: Yeah.
Max: I... wha... Awesome! See you at 9!


The path you must take as be prepared. Your own choice is to...

4 breaths taken|breathe me?

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may 8th, 2007
4:25 pm

in my heart:in my ear: crushed

I thought we were friends.

4 breaths taken|breathe me?

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.:Naked Poll:.
april 25th, 2007
3:26 am

in my heart:in my ear: tired

Time for a poll! If you feel comfortable discussing your answers, please reply to the post as well. Thank you!

Poll #972913 It's Nakey Time!

Do you feel vulnerable when you're naked?

Yes, all the time.
Yes, if there are other people present. If I'm alone it's fine.
Yes, but only in intimate situations (at the doctor or modeling is fine).
No way! I love being naked!
Certainly not. In fact, I've done some nude modeling.
Vulnerable isn't the right word... I feel more awkward or uncomfortable.
I'm naked right now!!!

11 breaths taken|breathe me?


layout by rampala_quistis

.:Dreamer's Portrait
.:Dream Symbols
.:Tell a Story

Natalie Rose Apar
Bennington College
One College Drive
Bennington, VT 05201

Cell Number:

Schedule coming soon

Other Journals

.:Dream Blog
.:Photo Journal
.:Icon Journal
.:Colorbar Journal


.:Anime Trading Cards
.:Utena Choir
.:The Oy Gevalt Challenge!


.:The Dresden Dolls
.:The Shadowbox Forums
.:Post Secret
.:Making Fiends!
.:Gaia Online
.:Homestar Runner
.:Nuerotically Yours
.:Anime Music Videos

Webcomics (I read)

.:The Puppy Club
.:Contemplating Reiko
.:Holy Bibble
.:No Rest for the Wicked
.:No Pink Ponies
.:VG Cats

The Players

The Principle Flutist
Natalie Rose Apar

The Composers
Mom and Dad

The Re-Arranger
Aunt Diana with Dad

The Silent MVPs
Muffin and Cleopatra

Newest Band Members

The Manager
Carly Pildis

The #1 Fan
Julie Moore
is love

The Miracle!
Rachel Wentz
is love

The Mandolin Player
Sasha Heer
is love

The Lead Guitarist
Wren A. Leader
is love

The Pole Dancer
Jenika McCrain

The Songwriter
Chris Burgan
is love

The Groupie
Lillie Webb
is love

The Set

Stage Left
End of the World, Part 1

Center Stage
End of the World, Part 2

Stage Right
End of the World, Part 3

More to come...